Canadian Government Executive - Volume 24 - Issue 02

F or women to get ahead in the work- place, they need mentoring. And the statistics suggest that they can’t all get that mentoring from other women. They need the help of men. But in their book Athena Rising , Brad Johnson and David Smith, who teach at the United States Naval Academy, indicate most men are reluctant to get involved. That was even before the Harvey Wein- stein scandal and subsequent revelations made the situation even more combustible. “Frankly, many of us are simply anxious about engaging in close relationships with women. Referred to as the de- velopmental dilemma for male mentors to female mentees, this dilemma describes the tension be- tween wanting to help and develop junior wom- en on one level (a pull toward closeness) and the competing desire to avoid attraction, intimacy and the complications they can create (a push toward distance),” they write in Athena Rising , adding, “too many guys don’t know how to ‘do’ non-sexual inti- macy in relationships with women.” A second obstacle they raise is that some men resort to old scripts when interacting with wom- en, as with their mothers or daughters. But act- ing as a woman’s “son” or “father” can stymie a developmental relationship. “First, it may lead to ‘chivalrous’ behaviour that amounts to little more than benevolent sexism. Responding to women as dependent and fragile leads to overprotection; it will ultimately sabotage their development,” the authors write. Second, family relationships are usually not conducive to providing the type of bru- tally honest and direct feedback needed. Finally, “fathering” by a mentor can feel patronizing and smothering to a woman. In addition, some men fear mentoring women for the social scrutiny it will draw – and that probably has heightened in recent months. Perceptions mat- ter. “If you fear gossip and raised eyebrows because you are mentoring a woman, you aren’t alone. Too many men worry that if they appear strongly sup- portive or emotionally connected with a woman at work, someone will launch a juicy rumour or write them up for something inappropriate,” they note. But if women need mentoring, men – “a few good men” as they put it – must step forward. It starts by becoming what they call “a thoughtful caveman” and addressing the issue of attractiveness between the genders. “The evidence shows we are hardwired as men (and women to a lesser degree) to pick up on subtle attraction cues. As men, we consciously and unconsciously see women differently than they see us,” they note, pointing to the smell of a women’s pheromones, facial features and body shape. But that doesn’t mean you must become a leering cave- man; women and men can be just friends. They urge you to be alert to your attraction trig- gers. “Accept the fact that you’ll find many women attractive, including some you mentor. No shame here,” they say. But they add: “Your brain comes with a frontal lobe, so use it!” They are referring, of course, to decision-making, judgment, and self-regulation. And when using your frontal lobe, consider this advice from the authors: “Chances are strong that she’s just not that into you. Research reveals that men are more likely than women to assume there may be romantic interest in opposite-sex profes- sional development. If we listen uncritically to the evolutionary murmur in our heads, we may errone- ously interpret her friendly and collegial behaviour as romantic interest and availability. Gentlemen, let us spare you some embarrassment. Research in the area of attraction shows that when men are at- tracted to women, they often overestimate the ex- tent to which the attraction is mutual. Chances are very good that when you are attracted to a woman at work, she is not equally enamoured of you.” That’s useful advice for men beyond mentoring. Here’s some foundational rules they also suggest, building on that backdrop: • First, do no harm: Mentoring is a fiduciary rela- tionship, and you have an ethical obligation to do no harm. Be careful with your advice and any as- sistance you offer. Take care to always promote your mentee’s best interests. Never undermine, exploit or dismiss her. Beware of something sub- tly dangerous: Benign sabotage, helping a woman get into a job she’s not yet ready for. Also subtly dangerous: Taking on women as mentees to make yourself look good. The power differential also carries with it a subtlety to be alert to: Given you will have more power and mentors are probably a scarce commodity, mentees may work hard to please the mentor, perhaps tolerating negative or explosive relationships. Athena Rising By Brad Johnson and David Smith, Bibliomotion, 206 pages, $34.40 42 / Canadian Government Executive // March/April 2018 The Leader’s Bookshelf By Harvey Schachter How and Why Men Should Mentor Women Athena Rising